When was the last time you thought about your purpose? Yesterday? A few hours ago? Never? Perhaps ‘purpose’ means your current journey as a student or employee, or maybe it’s about a task you are yet to achieve, like becoming a doctor or a world famous musician. It’s something that drives you, that gives you meaning.
Now, here’s a tricky question: Is that purposeful, meaningful “thing” also a source of pain, angst and worry?
Yeah, I’ve been there.
The other day, I finished a four month writing project for work. I was so proud of myself. I had worked incredibly hard—harder than I have worked in a long time. I felt passionate about the task at hand, and I gave it my all. I looked forward to celebrating the finish line with my co-workers, and for the project to head off and do its job in the world.
During the final review of the project, one of my co-workers jumped in to offer a few friendly editorial tips. I’ll be real with you: they didn’t feel friendly at all. Prior to that meeting, I had given myself a pat on the back for a job well done. I was sure I had done a fantastic job. However, as her list grew longer, I felt my confidence waver. I went from being super proud of myself to ultimate disappointment and self bashing. My ego took an emergency crash landing right there on the table, walking away bruised and disappointed.
Needless to say, I bought myself a very, very large ice cream sundae on my way home.
What happened? Why did I take her words personally, so much so that they left me lying on the floor in fetal position fighting back tears (true story)? Though the project was a group effort and required the involvement of many other people, I had taken it all on my shoulders, making it mine—making it about me. I took the project on my back like a turtle wears its shell: it became my home, my existence, my reality. I became Atlas Shrugged, and the weight was too heavy to bear.
I became prey to my ego, and because the danger of the trap came from within, it didn’t seem like a danger at all.
Pause. Definition Time. Ego: a person’s sense of self-importance. The ‘ich’— the I.
The I, the self, is not something you possess, it’s something you are.
Play.
Don’t get me wrong. Your ego is not a bad thing. But, there’s a fine balance between its purpose, and the purpose that we—as a society—have bestowed on it. Your ego provides you with a drive to fulfill your life’s mission, to push you to achieve your goals. The danger becomes when your life mission and goals become about you. In the words of the Rebbe: “When does ego become evil? When it believes the I is your mission in life.”
This is the way your ego gets to you, using the example of said writing project*:
| Past | Present | Future |
| Sometime in the past two years, I did a great job on a similar project. I was rewarded, complimented, and praised for my work. I learn to rely on such feedback as a marker for my success in the present, and my ego inflates a bit. This is a case of a falsely advertised, narcissistic self-image. | I work hard on my projects, making it about myself and my success. When things don’t go the way I want, or when I receive less fanfare than anticipated, I shut down and fall into a pattern of ennui. This is the case of depression and believing I’m not good enough. | I have anxiety and fear about future projects and how my performance will be rated. It’s not about the project, but about me, and so I live in a constant state of worry about how I will be judged and how my worth will be decided. This is the case of fearing that I will never do anything worthy or successful again. |
*Dramatized for effect.
This is what happens when you work with your ego:
| Past | Present | Future |
| I recognize myself as a vessel for my purpose, and become aware of my G-dly image and mission. The compliments and fanfare I received on my previous projects were not about me. This is about recognizing that your G-dly self image makes you who you are. |
I have clarity that my ego, my self, is needed to complete the task at hand, but is not the purpose or the goal of the creation. This is the case of believing that your job is to be the vessel for the creation. |
I have faith and awe of Hashem, and an awareness that whatever comes next is part of the journey I need to fulfill.
This is the case of having emunah and a firm belief that my journey is in Hashem’s hands. |
Let me be clear: getting your ego to work for you and not against you is not easy, especially because we’ve been conditioned to think as the ego as something bad and destructive. Take for example, the life of a creative (aka all of us). The modern creative is often, at least in my mind, associated with a negative portrayal of self and creativity as a whole. The self-absorbed ego of expression and creativity is of the most dangerous. But, that isn’t how we were created, or how we should strive to create.
We’re giving our egos a terrible reputation.
Let’s be humble creators. Make beautiful things, do incredible work—and do it from the source. Be a doctor, be a drum maker, move to Thailand and become a rice farmer, whatever! Yes, you should have pride in your work, but it shouldn’t be about you.
Hashem looked into the world and recognized that your talents and spark were needed. Your ego, when used correctly, is an able bodied partner to help you achieve your mission—the mission of your highest, G-dly self. Make great art; just don’t make it about you.
Onwards.